Deep in the Alpen foothills, The Fondü Fun Dude is forged from molten gruyere deep in the raging blaze of a tea light.
ALL TIME UP UNTIL 1699
Not much happens. Cheese stays hard. At this point, The Fondü Fun Dude was just The Dude.
The first ever recipe for Fondü was created, marking the greatest achievement of modern science to date. The recipe was titled ”Käss mit Wein zu kochen”, which roughly translates as “Best thing since sliced bread”, which weirdly, hadn’t even been invented yet.
Literally nothing happened. For ages. Assuming people were too wrapped up in melting all worldwide stockpiles of cheese and redistributing all able workforces into the production of bread.
Tired of trying to organise Fondü parties via paper planes, Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Unfortunately, for quite some time, only three other people owned a phone, and they already knew that Bell’s parties were at 4pm on a Wednesday.
The first ever Javelin throwing competition was introduced to the Athens Olympic Games. To inspire the Swiss to victory, the Fondü Fun Dude led the charge and competed with one of his Fondü forks. Unfortunately, even though he achieved his personal best, at 12cm, this didn’t really make the grade.
To encourage global unity, togetherness and fraternity, Swiss Cheese Union sets example by making Fondü it’s national dish. Crowd goes wild. Swiss birth rate up four thousand percent.
First ever diner drops bread off fork into Fondü pot. Fondü Fun Dude forms the United Nations in an attempt to think up a forfeit fit for purpose.
Spandex invented. Fondu Fun Dude finally stops walking around naked.
The Swiss take Fondü to the New York World’s fair, bringing melty cheesy dreaminess to the attention of food lovers across the US. A public vote to rebrand New York as ‘The Big Cheese’ was veto’d by then Mayor Robert F. Wagner due to a dairy allergy inspired personal vendetta
Probably thanks to the arrival of Fondü in the US, a whole new age of peace, harmony and flower power was sparked by The Summer of Love. The Fun Dude’s American relative, the Fondü Love Dude, claimed this all centered around a paddling pool filled with Fondü cheese but it turned out he was just caught up in the moment.
The Apollo 11 mission is established in an effort to retrieve all natural cheese resources from the surface of the moon. The mission was deemed a failure due to an administrative error, in which 9 year old employee Tyler was tasked with leading the research into the moon’s geographical makeup
In the grandest gesture towards fondu paraphernalia to date, Canada builds the CN Tower - the world’s tallest freestanding structure resembling a giant fondu skewer.
The personal computer was invented, but with no internet, everyone just played Solitaire until 1988.
The internet was finally popularised. Unfortunately the popularity of Fondü themed dating site, ‘The Melting Pot’, and the huge amount of bandwidth needed to support search terms like “dippers uncensored” threatened to break the whole internet soon after, a phenomenon later christened ‘The Millennium Bug’.
Everyone finally was able to party like it’s 1999. Turned out to be a massive let down.
Fondü Fun Dude lands job at Emmi Fondü, achieving a life goal and changing the face of nation-specific corporate dairy mascots forever.
You forgot to call your parents again. Go on, invite them round for a Fondü, they deserve it